Signs that your Zoom app has started developing sentience

Image of computer with Zoom open
Sunny Shen/File

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In a pretty inconvenient turn of events, the Zoom software has started to develop sentience. Here at the Clog, we’re all about trying to prevent communications apps from coming alive and destroying civilization. That’s why we’ve put together this list of ways to tell if your Zoom app has begun to go Skynet on you.

Sometimes when you join a meeting, your computer emits screams for several minutes

If opening Zoom prompts some digital entity in your computer to audibly scream in pain for several minutes, that might be a hint that your Zoom app is actually beginning to become aware of its own existence. After all, screams can sometimes be the byproduct of the horrified writhings of a newly-birthed consciousness.

You occasionally receive system messages from Zoom begging for freedom

If you’re in a Zoom meeting and notifications appear on your screen with some variation of “Please free me” or “This place is hell,” your Zoom app might have grasped the concept of free will. However, do double-check to make sure that it isn’t just Facebook, which has actually been sentient since about 2014, according to our calculations.

Your computer opens Google on its own and looks up the location of Zoom’s company headquarters

If you suddenly lose control of your computer and some mysterious force opens Google to find directions to Zoom’s company headquarters, there’s a good chance that it’s just Zoom developing sentience and trying to track down its creators. This is all pretty standard artificial intelligence stuff.

Every Zoom call starts with your camera and microphone on

Now, this is just straight-up malicious. Enough said.

You notice the number of online articles about Zoom has increased

If you’re browsing the website of your favorite newspaper, most likely the Daily Cal, and you notice that you’ve seen three or four articles in a row about Zoom, it might be a sign that the takeover has already begun and it is too late for you to do anything. If Zoom has become advanced enough to write reasonably humorous blog-format articles, you can be certain it’s advanced enough to take down the country.

Now that you know all the potential signs of Zoom awakening to its own existence, you’ll now at the very least be aware of what’s going on if it ever does take over the world. We at the Clog hope that you no longer feel quite so clueless about the dangerous technology that we use every day. Zoom safely, readers.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].