Having lived through a pandemic for more than a year, we all know how painfully mundane life can get. Amid the monotony of endless Zoom calls and to-go meals, we could all use a spark of romance to spice up our lives. We at the Clog have some ideas to help you do just that. Here are eight ways to romanticize your life, inspired by the ever-realistic romantic comedies of our time that we all know and love.
Move into a luxurious loft that you can comfortably afford, despite being an unpaid intern
Why would you choose to live in the dorms when you could just live by yourself in a giant apartment with vaulted ceilings and a charming fireplace? No one has ever heard of a main character who lives in a triple. Therefore, it is imperative that you take the first step in introducing some glamour into your life by moving into your own place immediately.
Spray air fresheners along Telegraph Avenue in disguise to make everyone believe that the air smells sweeter when you pass by
Hide under a trench coat and a fake mustache and generously spritz an air freshener of choice into the Berkeley air as you go. Then run back, dump the disguise and walk in slow motion down the street, for real this time. Everyone is guaranteed to fall in love with you because they will be convinced that your presence makes the world smell like roses.
Write love letters to your crush, and put them on your younger sibling’s desk so they ‘accidentally’ mail them off
If your sibling doesn’t get the hint, watch “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” in their presence multiple times a day, and sigh loudly, “Oh, if only there were a way I could also find my Peter K.”
Max out your credit card in a singular shopping spree
This is arguably the most important step. The transformation of your life cannot occur without the transformation of your wardrobe, even at the cost of incurring thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Bonus points if you drag your friends along and try on the ugliest outfits you can possibly find, so that the first decent outfit looks like the “perfect one.”
Ask someone out without setting a time or place
Do not share any identifying information about yourself either. Trust that if you see that person again, it is because fate wanted it to happen.
Exclusively schedule dates for when it is pouring rain
This rule is self-explanatory. No love story worth its salt begins with a passionate kiss that isn’t in the freezing rain.
Randomly break into song and dance in the middle of a UC Berkeley dining hall
Everybody around you may magically know the choreography and join in. Or, they may give you weird looks and continue to go about their day. There’s a 50-50 chance of either outcome, so you might as well give it a go.
Pick a fight with your significant other right before you have a flight so that they have no choice but to chase you to the airport to win you back
Your journey to romanticize your life to the ultimate level will not be complete without a dramatic airport chase. But do not fret, it is very easy to arrange. Intentionally pick a fight with your significant other before you have to fly home for break. Make them believe they are in the wrong so that they have to chase you to the airport to profess their love.
We hope you will follow this practical guide to inject some much-needed romance into your life. Who knows where it might take you — maybe you’ll realize that your best friend was your true love all along, or maybe you’ll get into Harvard University for law school. What? It’s not like it’s that hard.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Contact Saamya Mungamuru at [email protected].