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BERKELEY'S NEWS • NOVEMBER 18, 2023

Clog Report: Lactose intolerance growing increasingly frustrated

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MARCO VERCH | CREATIVE COMMONS

Photo by Marco Verch under CC BY 2.0

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APRIL 28, 2021

Lactose intolerance reported increasing frustration this Tuesday as freshman Mike Ross continued to consume dairy products despite all medical common sense.

“This kid just really doesn’t seem to care about me,” the widespread digestive disorder said. “And it’s not because he doesn’t know I’m there, either.”

Ross reportedly tries to plan his dairy consumption around when it would be least inconvenient for him to suffer indigestion. However, according to lactose intolerance, Ross “occasionally feels compelled to eat a whole pint of ice cream before a multihour final exam.”

“I don’t understand how he can just be okay with a regular part of his diet being mildly poisonous to him,” lactose intolerance admitted. “But I guess milk tea is just that much more important than me.”

Ross reportedly drinks milk tea almost every other day, despite the many nondairy alternatives offered at boba shops in Berkeley.

“Let me tell you something,” lactose intolerance said. “A couple of days ago, he made instant Thai tea with milk instead of water. That makes no sense on so many levels. Doesn’t he know the powder already has condensed milk in it!? It’s like he’s intentionally trying to consume as much lactose as possible just to spite me.”

The condition, which scientists estimate could affect up to 75% of the Earth’s population, said Ross was “unconcerned” about the fact that his body did not have the enzymes required to break down large amounts of lactose.

“I really think he could at least cut down on cream cheese in the mornings,” lactose intolerance said. “Are bagels on their own really that bad?”

“Why couldn’t I have developed in the immune system instead of the digestive system,” lamented the condition, which researchers agree is uncomfortable but otherwise mostly harmless. “Maybe if I caused some more severe symptoms, I wouldn’t have to be treated like this.”

As of press time, lactose intolerance was seen groaning in exasperation as Ross pulled a container of yogurt out from the fridge.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].
LAST UPDATED

APRIL 28, 2021


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