Clog Report: Student struggles to cut bagel, almost drops out of medical school

Illustration of a doctor slicing a bagel
Keira Lee/Staff

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Just minutes ago, Perry Carter, a student in the UC Berkeley-UCSF Joint Medical Program, reportedly considered dropping out of medical school while struggling to cut open a bagel.

Carter, who is currently studying to become a cardiothoracic surgeon, genuinely contemplated giving up on being a doctor after his complete and abject failure to bisect a sesame bagel this morning.

“You know what, maybe I’m not cut out for this surgery thing after all,” Carter, who graduated with honors and is among the top 10% of his class, said.

“I’ve been deeply interested in understanding the functions of the human body and using the knowledge to save lives directly,” Carter said with the mangled remains of his breakfast in his hands. “But as soon as my knife touched that bagel, I knew that I was never meant to be a surgeon.”

According to sources, Carter selected the bagel from among several after waking up at 8 a.m. and had managed to divide it into five pieces about two minutes later. This impressive feat reportedly involved several different knives and even required the viewing of a 30-second tutorial online.

However, it only took Carter a few seconds of cutting it in the wrong direction to question the feasibility of his dream of becoming a surgeon. “Yep, that’s it for my entire medical career. Guess I’ve got no choice but to drop out now,” Carter said, adding that he, “really had no backup plan” but that it would be “irresponsible to attempt surgery on a human heart when I can’t even cut open a bagel.”

Carter had never had trouble cutting open bagels before this morning, and in general, displayed basic competence in manual dexterity until today’s lapse.

“Man, I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to become a surgeon,” Carter, who has been studying medicine for years and knows more about the human thoracic cavity than almost all of his peers, said. “It’s a good thing that the bagel helped me realize that I’m not cut out for this,” he continued.

“I guess I can also pretty much forget about becoming a jeweler, a close-up magician, or a calligrapher,” Carter said. “I should probably stay away from large machinery, too, just to be safe.”

At press time, sources confirmed Carter had miraculously sewn the bagel back together.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].