Clog Report: Postmodern rejection letter tells the truth

photo of college rejection letter
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Researchers from the UC Berkeley Rejections Institute, or BRI, announced Thursday that they have developed an advanced prototype rejection letter.

“We always strive to make sure that all applicants feel fulfilled regardless of whether or not they receive the news they want to hear,” said Dr. Lester Arthur, a researcher who worked on the project. “That’s why we’ve spent millions of dollars developing an artificial intelligence program that determines each applicant’s deepest insecurities, so we can make each rejection letter truly, intimately personal and hurtful.”

The rejection letter, which represents the culmination of two years of study, is described in an accompanying paper as an attempt by the BRI to “humanize the difficult job of rejecting an applicant.”

“We’re working toward an environment where, instead of an email with two or three lines of platitudes, rejects will find an entire manifesto explaining how their failure is rooted in foundational flaws in their personality,” Arthur said.

The BRI additionally announced that it would be sharing the technology with other groups on campus. Those who plan to be rejected from clubs, research groups and even campus housing in the future can expect to enjoy the rejection letters for themselves soon.

“Not only do we include genuine, harsh criticism about each applicant’s personality and the way they lead their life, we also include simple, childish insults for that extra bit of aggravation,” Arthur said, adding that each letter would be sprinkled with unfounded nitpicks about each reject.

According to Arthur, the project came about to rectify the image of rejection letters as inauthentic and only sent out of obligation.

“It’s really important to us to make sure that every applicant knows that they weren’t only rejected based on some impersonal set of statistics,” he said. “We want each applicant to truly realize that they were rejected because of who they are as a person.”

Each rejection letter is written with a free-form, flow-of-consciousness style to give the illusion that a “real person sat down” to express their disgust at the applicant’s lifestyle, academic ability and lack of self-awareness in applying for the position.

“In the past, rejection letters have been automatically generated, watery mush, figuratively adding insult to the injury of rejection,” Arthur said. “With our technology, rejection letters can now literally add insult to the injury of rejection.”

At press time, researchers announced that they had begun considering adopting a more passive-aggressive approach to waitlisted applicants.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].