Roasting every zodiac sign

Illustration of the zodiac symbols
Rioka Hayama/File

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Every zodiac sign believes they’re the best out of the 12. Some believe it’s the water signs, others prefer earth signs. In actuality, all signs have flaws and a few of them need to be knocked down a peg. Get a fire started because the zodiac signs are getting roasted!

Leos, you’re not that special.

The symbol for this sign is the king of the jungle, the lion. This is due to Leos feeling superior to everyone around them and wanting special treatment. Not to be rude, but Leos need a reality check. As much as they believe they’re a hero among the plebeian signs, Leos aren’t that different from other people.

Get it together, Virgos!

Virgos love to be perfectionists and clean up everyone else’s mess. Sometimes they naturally attract messes and won’t stop until things are spotless. But they forget to fix the chaos that is their life. Virgos should focus on themselves instead of being everyone’s personal Bob the Builder. Can they fix it? Maybe if they tried!

Libras, where’s the personality?

The air sign is known for their polished appearance, from clothing to good looks. This is demonstrated by notable Libras, Kim Kardashian and Will Smith. However, many Libras put too much emphasis on their appearance and don’t reveal their personality to others. They want to make a good first impression visually, but totally forget about showcasing their true self. 

Why are Scorpios so chaotic?

The best way to describe this water sign is a smoothie of Honey Boo Boo and Batman. You never know what a Scorpio is going to do and they used it to their advantage. Are they staring into your soul or admiring your outfit? Scorpios should be more orderly and straightforward because everyone is confused about their intentions.

Sagittariuses need a mute button.

Whenever I hear someone talking loudly or yelling indoors, they usually have a Sagittarius placement. You can probably hear a Sagittarius having a normal conversation from a mile away. The loud volume could be attributed to the sign’s passion on certain topics and their recklessness. If you’re a Sagittarius, remember there is a time and place for everything and to use your indoor voice.

To all Capricorns, stop being uptight!

Within any group, Capricorns play the parental role. They are seemingly too responsible. They love getting in bed by 9 p.m., doing all their chores and never being late. Capricorns need to let loose, have some fun and ignore obligations. Life is short so enjoy it while you can. Stay out late, don’t pay your taxes or treat yourself to some dessert! 

We get that you’re different, Aquarius.

Aquariuses listen to underground musicians, watch obscure indie films and wear clothes that are not in style. The sign wants to portray uniqueness to everyone around them, but it comes off as condescending. Liking indie folk dance remixes isn’t as cool as you think it is. It’s totally fine to like popular things! Just don’t end up like Taurus a few signs over.

Pisces need to touch some grass.

How do I put this nicely? Pisces love to fantasize about love. Sometimes they spend too much time doing it to the point that it becomes their entire reality. Life is not a Meg Ryan movie and you’re not going to have a random hot stranger hit on you at Trader Joe’s. The water sign needs to live in the real world and touch some grass.

Go take a nap, Aries.

This fire sign is always hotheaded and angry. They are ready to pounce at any given moment and unleash hell on earth. Instead, Aries needs to take a chill pill and relax. Being mad all the time isn’t cute because frowning causes wrinkles and you’re not the Incredible Hulk. Take a nap, meditate and put on a sheet mask.

Taurus is a synonym for bland.

Tauruses are the true neutral: They are never too much or too little. However, this is not Goldilocks and the Three Bears. They are too afraid to have a stance on anything and will usually go with the popular crowd. This sign should try to find something to be passionate about and go from there before everyone thinks you’re boring.

Yes, Geminis are sneaky.

There is a stereotype that Geminis are backstabbing, conniving and gossipy. I’m not denying that because it is true. The sign loves to project one persona, while hiding their true identity. It’s like computer-generated images in movies: It looks so real but you know it’s fake. As much as Geminis love to deny the stereotype, they live up to it.

Cancers don’t even need to be roasted.

As a fellow Cancer, we’re notorious for our sensitivity and cranked-up emotions. We’re always ready to cry or fight. Cancers don’t even need to be roasted because our animal is a crab, the symbol looks like two sperm cells circling each other and people always forget about this sign. We’re already getting the short end of the stick so I don’t think a roast is necessary.

This was all in good fun so we could poke fun at the signs. However if you’re offended by these comments, blame the stars. It’s their fault for dictating our worst traits and behavior.

Contact Nicholas Clark at [email protected].