How to trick people into thinking you’re cool

Infographic depicting tips for appearing cool
Christina Owen/Staff

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Sometimes, life can seem boring compared to the people you see on social media. They constantly have something going on, from huge parties to expensive trips abroad. In comparison, your usual day consists of staring contests with your dog and refreshing your email’s inbox to see if your online order was delivered. But if you want to appear cooler and more interesting, these few steps will help you achieve that. You can use these when you start a new job or go back to school. I guarantee you that these tricks will make you seem like a god among people.

Dress to impress

By wearing a well-thought-out outfit, people will immediately find you interesting. Although wearing something conventionally stylish is fine, try standing out among everyone and dress like you’re going to the Met Gala. Take a few minutes every day to plan, and steam your clothes to look polished and fashion-forward. The more extravagant and eccentric the outfit is, the better. Some good examples would be wearing clashing patterns such as plaid and horizontal stripes or wearing something absurd such as platform Crocs. This will guarantee to turn heads and have people believe you’re the next Alexander McQueen or Vivienne Westwood. 

Lie just a little bit 

A little white lie can’t hurt anybody, so this is your sign to just go for it. Instead of saying that you’re from a small town, tell them you were born on a small island nation in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean with a name that you can’t remember. You can also say that you’re a fourth cousin twice removed of a celebrity or that you were in the background of “The Kissing Booth 3.” Keep up the same lie with everyone so you aren’t caught and have to explain yourself. Don’t tell a coworker that you’re a distant relative of Ariana Grande, while you tell another that Selena Gomez is somewhere in your family tree. This will ensure that no one finds any holes in your story and that you can continue this façade.

Pretend to read a book

In the age of e-readers, many people aren’t reading physical copies of books. By having an actual book in public, you already stand out. You don’t even have to read the book; you can hide your phone between the pages to make it seem that you’re engrossed in the story. I highly recommend picking a classic because it’ll have people thinking you’re intelligent and way too cool for modern books. “War and Peace” and “Beowulf” will make people question their reading taste and think you’re reading these behemoths for fun. However, if anyone asks about what you’re reading, make sure you’ve read the Wikipedia summary so you can answer any question they throw at you.

Steal your entire personality from a fictional character

Remember how some people completely changed when the movie “Joker” came out? They started to adopt the character’s behavior, nihilism and deadpan sense of humor. In order to appear cooler, do the same thing but with an interesting fictional character. After watching a movie, show or reading some books, find a compelling character that you think you can pull off easily. For example, I fully adopted the persona of London Tipton and Lady Bird, mimicking their behavior, speech patterns and style. You’ll appear as a larger-than-life person that deserves their own biopic, rather than a background character.

Now you have tools to have everyone believe you’re cooler than you actually are. You’ll seem like the most interesting person ever and everyone will be talking about you. Even if these tricks don’t work, you can march to the beat of your own drum and be the coolest person ever.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes. 

Contact Nicholas Clark at [email protected].