The last two years have been impressive in a destructive, cataclysmic sense. Cthulhu would be proud of 2020 and 2021, and while we all fervently hope that the new year leaves its predecessors behind, there could be other disasters waiting in the wings.
Below are five eclectic resolutions for 2022 — where we may prepare for the worst but hope for the best. Some of these will help you steel your soul for the end of times, and some will just brighten your day. Give these resolutions a try, and who knows which apocalypses you’ll be able to avoid by the end of the year?
Drink more water
Here’s the thing: No one hydrates enough. We’ve all seen athletes drenching themselves in Gatorade and good old H2O, and wow! Look how fast they can run. We could exercise, but why go to extremes when we can start with the small things?
Bring your water bottle to class, to work and especially to your exams — we’ll need to drink even more when the midterm tears start to flow.
Apocalypse rating: 8/10
No matter what disasters occur in 2022, hydration will always be important.
If you floss regularly, congratulations. You are a god among humans. If you are one of the multitudes who has not managed to normalize this habit, then perhaps 2022 is the year to make our dentists truly happy.
Imagine how much easier their jobs will be; how much shorter our visits to their offices will become; and how much healthier our teeth will be.
Apocalypse rating: 3/10
Will we be able to defeat this year’s vampire uprising with our winning smile? My heart says no, but the dentist says yes.
Check out a book from the library
Heck, spend a whole day in the library. There is nothing quite like rows and rows of paper and ink to capture the mind’s eye. Learn more about the world around you, or let your imagination dive into someone else’s. If it’s boring, return the book tomorrow.
Netflix is $9.99 a month and Disney+ is $7.99 — entertainment these days is expensive. But the library? The library is free.
Apocalypse rating: 7/10
In the dark and desolate wasteland, knowledge is power.
Go walk somewhere barefoot
When was the last time you strolled around outdoors and let the wind and water tickle your toes? There’s something to be said for feeling the ground beneath our feet, whether it’s hard hot asphalt, a manicured lawn or a dirt path somewhere in the hills.
As the Earth turns from winter into spring and summer, there will be plenty of warm, sunny days to spend shoeless on smooth sand or in thick, verdant grass. Free the feet! But please, for all of our sakes, keep them clean.
Apocalypse rating: 5/10
When the robot overlords take over and our technology fails us, your calloused soles may be the only thing that can save humanity.
Leave this planet
The last 12 months were certainly an odyssey and, to be honest, the ’20s have not covered themselves in glory thus far. We could all use a vacation. We could leave it all behind for just a few weeks, lean back in our lawn chairs and take in the beautiful Martian sunset.
Plenty of billionaires have hopped into space, so why not you? There’s a whole universe of options beyond our atmosphere.
Apocalypse rating: 11/10
Why wait for the aliens to come in peace when you could go in peace? Preempt the alien invasion by going to our extraterrestrial friends before some uber-rich CEO gives them the wrong idea.
Jasper Kenzo Sundeen is the editor in chief. Contact him at [email protected]