Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, which means more sappy love notes and kisses. It also means navigating one of the most straightforward yet confusing holidays of the year. To make your day easier – or not – here is a no-BS guide to Valentine’s Day that you can refer to.
1. If you are a woman in a relationship, expect a gift.
2. If you are a man in a relationship, “no gifts” really means gifts.
3. Accept the Valentine’s tax: Pay the extra 30% just because it is heart-shaped and will instantly make them fall for you even more.
4. If you are spending your first Valentine’s Day alone, avoid the holiday section of the grocery store at all costs.
5. You are allowed to say that you would rather spend time with your friends than be in a committed relationship. The thought of being single in your 20s can hurt, but you’ll learn to deal with it.
6. Call Mom and wish her a happy Valentine’s day first thing in the morning, because Dad will have likely forgotten.
7. If your significant other forgets to buy you flowers, you have free rein to bring it up again whenever you get into an argument.
8. Don’t half-ass the flowers. If you happen to settle for supermarket flowers, get the cardholder and vase. It’ll cover up for the fact you couldn’t be bothered to drive an extra half-hour to go to a florist.
9. For a man in a relationship, be prepared to set aside a trust fund and a kidney for the most expensive day of the entire year. You may just get a return on your investment on those gold earrings, French bulldog and Paris trip tickets your partner has been talking about.
10. When in doubt, breakfast-in-bed.