The Good Bear — trademark pending — is the ideal UC Berkeley student.

The Good Bear finishes his essays on time and uses APA style — no more Chicago-style footnotes, understood? The Good Bear foams at the mouth when they see an attention-seeking turd wearing a Stanford University hoodie on campus. The Good Bear reads every email from his eminence, campus Vice Chancellor of Administration Marc Fisher, and commits them to memory. 

Most of all, the Good Bear prepares for and participates in all of campus’s wonderful traditions by following this curated guide. 

Cal Day

Put clothes on. Students might consider wearing those — rather redundant — yellow- and blue-striped overalls; some cheap, yellow-tinted sunglasses; and face paint. With regard to the latter, the ultraviolet-blocking variety is preferred. 

Drink your behavior-altering beverage of choice — as if the Stanford Tree was in your stomach and you’re trying to drown him — and forget about all of the homework that’s due Monday. 

Call your mom as it’s always a good idea to call your mom, and hike up to frat row while ignoring traffic laws all along the way.

The Bonfire Rally

Put clothes on. The flame-throwing structure that replaced a previously open bonfire — while more environmentally friendly — emits no heat. As such, be sure to wear some warm campus merch. I suggest one of those thick, polyester rugby jerseys. 

Or maybe just wear a bunch of those free campus T-shirts — the ones that have accumulated at the back of your drawer, layered one on top of another. 

Put in a Snackpass order at one of Southside’s many fine fast-food establishments, and grub with a few friends. 

Once you’re finished there, make the trek up to Hearst Greek Theatre. Pretend like you know which Rally Committee is screaming into the microphone, and sing the fight song loud and proud!

Cal Band Friday rallies

Put clothes on, and go to class — it’s Friday for goodness’ sake, not the weekend. If you’re lucky, your morning class will finish before noon; that’s when Cal Band will emerge from its mysterious cave under Martin Luther King Jr. Student Union, race up the steps in front of Sproul Hall, and play some absolute bops for roughly 20 minutes. 

While your professor drones on about the importance of doing your assigned readings, review the words to “Fight for California” and daydream about the song’s main character — a flying, omniscient bear who watches us from his lair in the sky. 

When class ends, make your way to Sproul Plaza and enjoy. 

The Big Game

Put clothes on. Make sure none of it is red or even vaguely red, and if the game is being held in Palo Alto, make sure you wear running shoes. You’ll probably need them to storm the field after Stanford wets the bed at its own stadium. If the game is being played in the city of Berkeley, head to Top Dog beforehand for a greasy link. 

In either case, hydrate yourself with whatever beverage makes you feel the happiest, most relaxed and least inhibited. Then head to the stadium early and start yelling at the nearest Stanford nerd. 

The Naked Run

Don’t put clothes on. Look your fellow students in the eye if you can help it, and then ask yourself what your grandmother would think if she saw you in this state.

Hydrate. If you’re an exhibitionist, do some stretches and, whatever you do, keep the pace. It’s not fun to finish last — and that’s especially true here.