Here at the Clog, we have nothing but love and respect for all of the creatures on this green Earth. Unfortunately, though, not all of those creatures seem to love us back. If you’ve been swamped by hordes of mosquitoes this summer and looking for a way to preserve the little blood you have left, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve put together a field guide for surviving even the most vicious of mosquitoes.
Citronella
Citronella is a plant that looks like a 15-year-old tried to draw a certain other plant. It also happens to be a primary ingredient in many bug repellents. More importantly, it smells like Fruit Loops. As we all know, mosquitoes can’t stand Froot Loops. Keeping one of these bad boys near you and rubbing the leaves every once in a while keeps mosquitoes a good distance away.
Evasive maneuvers
The average mosquito has a top airspeed of about 1.5 mph. This means that maintaining a steady pace of 3 mph throughout the day should keep you from getting bitten. This has the added benefit of allowing you to cover about 54 miles per day, assuming six hours of sleep. Going at this pace, you could travel from Berkeley to Los Angeles in just a little under seven days, giving you a solid vacation option this summer.
Legal maneuvers
If you challenge the mosquito to a duel, they are legally obligated to either accept or leave the premises. If you have any friends who are studying law, they will confirm this for you. You can also think about filing restraining orders. However, you’d have to file an individual one for each mosquito.
Neodymium glass laser
High-powered infrared radiation is a surefire way to eliminate mosquitoes. Additionally, neodymium glass lasers are capable of outputting 100 terawatts of power in high-wavelength pulses. Here at the Clog, we see a strong compatibility between these two facts.
Friendship
It is said that the power of friendship can overcome any trial.
Although the weather is warmer and we no longer have college to worry about, it is important to stay vigilant. With the summer comes the threat of losing entire drops of blood to mosquitoes. We at the Clog hope this guide helps you defend the red juice that flows through your flesh.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
