Now that it’s June, one can no longer hide from all the rainbows and corporate-virtue signaling for Pride Month. As someone from the LGBTQ+ community, I wanted to switch it up and give a voice to an underrepresented group: straight men. In order for me to understand them, I went undercover for a day and assimilated into stereotypes of their culture. The results … are shocking. Come with me as I journey back into the closet.
Wearing shorts in colder weather
Heterosexual men seem to love wearing shorts in colder weather, especially to show each other how they are toughing it out. For this experiment, I went to Alaska for a few hours with the perfect incognito outfit: a puffer jacket, a beanie, a Nirvana T-shirt, Nike shoes and the pièce de résistance, shorts. Basketball shorts were my pick, and for the first few minutes, my legs were completely fine. This was until a pack of polar bears spotted me, believing that I was a bipedal seal. With all my alpha-ness, I escaped those gigantic balls of fur on an iceberg, landing near a small village. I made it back with my masculinity intact and a little bit of frostbite.
Watch all the “Fast & Furious” movies
While I was recovering from frostbite at the hospital, the television could only get a signal from a marathon of the greatest film franchise in recent history: “Fast & Furious.” “American Psycho” and “Fight Club” were considered for my viewing experience but deemed not quite right for my experiment. The Vin Diesel classics are the true pinnacle of masculine heterosexuality, and I couldn’t pass the opportunity to view them. I turned off my brain to truly enjoy nine of these films, watching in awe at the cars defying physics and the hot babes driving vehicles that cost the same as my tuition. The doctors were concerned that I had no brain activity, but a few electric shocks woke me from my stupor.
After my discharge from the hospital, I decided to treat myself with the ultimate manly man food: steak. Despite the five years I’ve been vegan, it was time to break my streak. I ordered my steak rare with potato wedges and mac and cheese. Vegetables were too queer for me, so I had to forgo them for the time being. Eating the steak was a heavenly experience — almost as if I was seeing a biblically accurate angel. The taste of blood, raw meat and double the chewing scratched a part of my brain that no spinach leaf could ever do. I gulped that slab of meat down my esophagus and savored its flavor. I did run to the restroom and sit on the toilet for an hour, but that’s the price to pay for going back to my caveman roots.
Talk over everyone
The restaurant staff and other guests were furious at me for absolutely destroying the single-stall bathroom, but I solved the problem by just talking over everyone. As someone who loves attention, talking over everyone was no big deal. I made the whole situation all about me and did not consider any concerns of others. It was like a giant spotlight shining from the heavens with a megaphone centimeters away from my lips. I eventually did get kicked out of the steakhouse (but that’s beside the point). For the first time, my voice was amplified (albeit a register deeper than normal). My speech dominated any conversation I entered — even the ones where people were warning me about the polar bear stampede in the distance.
After my 24 hours experiencing straightness, I had to run out of the closet faster than those children in “The Chronicles of Narnia.” It was an enlightening experience, and I learned so much — such as how fun Drake’s music is, the complexities of the heteronormative patriarchy and what it means to be a “sneakerhead.” It’s something I don’t recommend for the faint of heart, but de-yassify at your own risk.
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.
Nicholas Clark is a deputy blog editor. Contact him at [email protected].