While fighting through a crowd of people to get to their first lecture, UC Berkeley freshman F. Akeguy accidentally stepped foot on a campus seal — the first time anyone has done so since 1987.
Immediately after their foot hit the seal, Akeguy and those around them reportedly saw the ethereal image of Oski rise from the ground, who then proceeded to hand Akeguy a failed midterm they had yet to take.
“Oski just appeared out of nowhere,” Akeguy said. “Then he failed me for my first CS midterm. It’s the first day of classes; I haven’t even had a single lecture yet. My parents are going to be so disappointed.”
Akeguy added they are currently asking their professor to revoke the decision. However, Akeguy said their professor looked “extremely frightened” when Akeguy told them about Oski, and promptly told Akeguy to “keep that bear away from me!”
Campus senior Whatan Erd, who had been passing by when Akeguy stepped on the seal, reportedly told Akeguy to run to 4.0 Hill immediately if they wanted to save their grade. Erd said Akeguy refused, arguing that they had to get to class.
“I told them to run but they wouldn’t listen,” Erd said. “At this point, it’s their own fault.”
Erd added that they had almost stepped on the seal once as a freshman themselves, but had instead thrown down the $300 chemistry textbook in their hands, stepped on the textbook and left the book on the seal as there was no way to retrieve it without stepping on the seal.
The textbook remains on the seal to this day. Take it at your own risk.
Campus professor of superstitions and well-known Oski defender Lig Ma said the only way to cure an encounter with Oski resulting from seal-stepping shenanigans is to sprint towards 4.0 Hill.
“It’s just what you have to do,” Ma said, in between sips of Lemonade Rockstar. “Then again, grades are overrated, just have fun. Just kidding, you’re (UC) Berkeley students. Buncha nerds.”
After receiving several anonymous tips alleging that Ma is in fact a human manifestation of the 154-year-old Oski spirit which haunts campus, The Daily Californian Paranormal Unit has launched an investigation into Ma’s background. As of press time, four reporters involved have mysteriously disappeared, leaving behind only handwritten notes with the phrase “FEAR THE BEAR” scribbled dozens of times.
Reflecting upon their experience, Akeguy said they will always be wary of the campus seals from now on, but is still glad that they chose to attend UC Berkeley.
“I’ll just have to make up for it on the final,” Akeguy said. “But hey, at least I don’t go to Stanford.”
This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.