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Clog Report: Top 5 worst types of couples on campus

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JUSTIN WANG | STAFF

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OCTOBER 19, 2022

Imagine: It’s a brisk October morning. The fog floats lazily above the tree-lined campus. You’ve got a warm latte in your hand, just the way you like it. Life is good. Until —

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot them. Hands clasped together, gazing intently into each other’s eyes. It’s a campus couple. Suddenly, the world around you turns a couple of shades darker as you begin to ponder the loneliness hidden within the depths of your soul, and your day is ruined. Of course, there’s never just one kind. No, they come in different variations. Below are the top five worst couples I see way too often on campus. 

The fashionable couple

These two probably met at an art organization social or at the show of some super underground artist that you definitely haven’t heard of. They’re artsy, they’re attractive and they’re definitely way cooler than you. They’re the fashion couple. Oftentimes they’ll have matching aesthetics, complementing each other perfectly without even trying. Even worse than those couples are the couples with perfectly opposite aesthetics. Maybe one wears all pink and one wears all black, or one dresses punk and the other looks like a forest fairy. Look at you, you found your perfect match. Gross. 

Couples who cuddle on the Glade

Nothing irks me more than when I settle down on the Glade, laptop and headphones in hand, when all of a sudden I see a couple cuddling together on the grass in front of me. Would it be great to feel the touch of another person while enjoying your time in the sun? Sure. Does it look like an incredibly cute date idea? I suppose. Am I incredibly jealous? Maybe. But do you have to flaunt it right in front of me? The answer is, undoubtedly, no. 

The frat guy and the sorority girl

Are they a couple? Are they just hooking up? Are they, as the kids say, in a situationship? I certainly couldn’t tell you. But nonetheless, I will never stop hearing about it. The amount of drama these two stir up is enough to fill the plot of a telenovela. Maybe it seems a little bit exciting, and maybe listening to their stories fills a void inside me that craves toxicity. But please, enough. It’s too stereotypical. 

Rave couples

I get it, you’re hot, and you guys looked really great at the EDM concert last night. She wore a really cute matching set and he had… an open shirt? But he is hella muscular, so I guess that makes up for the lack of style. But no matter how neon the outfit, I’m tired of seeing it posted on Instagram. These two probably fell in love while rolling out of their minds, but somehow they managed to make it last. I guess it’s a little bit cute. 

Scooter couples

Last, and absolutely the worst, are the couples who, for god-knows-what reason, decide to go around campus on a single scooter. One person on a scooter is bad enough; somehow they all seem to forget traffic rules and common courtesy. But two? Could it get any worse? Arguably, the answer is no. They nearly literally hit me with a reminder of my own singleness. Just get two scooters! Please. For all of our sakes. 

As I always like to tell my friends — the best couple is no couple at all. You’re in college, the prime of your life. Why would you waste so much time on someone who will just leave you in the end? Someone who leaves you heartbroken and alone? Someone who is kind and attractive and funny who you genuinely enjoy being around?

Ah, I miss him. So please, do us all a favor and keep your happiness to yourself. 

Contact Lauren von Aspen at 

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OCTOBER 19, 2022