There is no shortage of things to do with your time as a UC Berkeley student. You could choose to invest time into doing schoolwork to pull your GPA up. You could decide to grab a meal at one of the many restaurants available around town. Just outside of campus, a BART station offers a gateway to virtually anywhere in the Bay Area. There’s always something you’ve never tried before, but have you considered you could also just stand outside of a dorm and scream as loud as you can at 3 a.m.? Here at The Daily Clog, we’ve put together a few reasons why you might want to engage in this activity.

5. You are repelling wildlife

Standing outside a residential hall and belting as hard as you can at 3 a.m. is a great way to scare off any stray deer or raccoons that might be around. When they hear your screaming, they will think that God is coming to bring the rapture, causing them to panic and run away. Note, however, that this will not scare away pigeons, since they do not fear God.

4. You are trying to summon a vampire

If I were to be charitable, trying to summon a vampire is probably a pretty fair reason for someone to stand outside a dorm full of fellow students, just screaming their lungs out at 3 a.m. Vampires seem to go out mostly at night, and they are looking for humans, so this does seem like the best way to encounter that particular mythical being. This might be a fun way to spend a night, who knows? Life comes at you quick.

3. You are trying to summon the police

This is another type of mythical creature that can be summoned by standing outside near where people sleep and screaming late at night. It is said that these strange beings can even invite you into their chariots and take you to a mysterious hidden land called the “holding cell.”

2. You hate people

If you’re filled with unbridled malice toward your fellow humans, standing outside and screaming near their living spaces at 3 a.m. is a fun and playful way to express yourself!

1. You are in imminent danger

This is actually a pretty good reason to be screaming outside your dorm at night. At this point, just go for it honestly.

Clog writers pour their hearts and souls into writing short-form articles for your consumption, but even we understand it’s important to take a break once in a while. There are nearly limitless ways to do this, but consider just standing outside and screaming deep into the night once in a while.

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.