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Oski decorates for Christmas too early, attacked by feathery mystery assailant

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SIMRAN SARIN | FILE

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Senior Staff

NOVEMBER 15, 2022

As soon as the clock hit midnight on Nov. 1, Oski started putting up the Christmas decorations. 

Oski ran to his closet and pulled out a giant cardboard box of string lights, fake snowflakes and even a small tree, according to his roommate Fross Tee. He then proceeded to rip down all the Halloween decorations, throwing them into a trash can. 

“Candy corn in the bowl? Nah, candy canes. Gone are the cotton spider webs, in come the fake evergreen boughs,” Tee said. “And of course, he starts playing Mariah Carey.”

But Oski’s Christmas cheer didn’t just stop at the doors of his apartment. 

At 3 a.m. on Nov. 1, after Oski had finished Christmas-ifying his apartment, Oski was allegedly seen driving down to Palo Alto wearing a Santa Claus hat, sneaking into the Stanford Tree’s dorm room and hanging Christmas ornaments and lights from the mascot’s face, cleaving a miniature ax through the top of the tree rather than a star. 

“I saw him sneak in through the window,” said Dadeez Munny, the Stanford Tree’s roommate. “But I wasn’t about to stop him … he’s terrifying, just as he is to all Stanford students.”

It took the Stanford Tree three hours after they woke up to take out all the ornaments, according to Munny. 

After Oski came back to campus, he was seen decorating the inside of his lecture hall. 

“The professor was mid-sentence when Oski walked in with a ladder,” said Bahum Boug, Oski’s classmate. “When the professor tried to stop Oski, he came down, stuck a candy cane in their mouth, then they got quiet.” 

Professor Nicholas has declined to comment. 

However, Oski was attacked by an assailant once he attempted to wrap Sather’s Gate with lights. While the identity of the attacker is currently unknown, UCPD recovered a turkey feather at the scene of the crime, along with a note which read “Thanksgiving Rulez” written in corn kernels. 

“While we are unsure of the assailant’s identity, we can be reasonably certain that it was a turkey who did this,” said UCPD chief Rue Dolf. “Honestly, can you blame the turkey though? Who wouldn’t want to punch someone listening to Jingle Bell Rock at 9 in the morning?”

Campus senior Ebenezer Grinch, who was walking past Sather Gate to get to class that morning, claims they saw the attack. 

However, Grinch believes the assailant did nothing wrong. 

“Yeah, it was a turkey alright. Everyone saw it, I mean it’s not like Sather Gate was empty at 9 a.m., there were plenty of people going to class,” Grinch said. “We students stand with the turkey. I’m actually a part of the ‘Students Against Early Christmas’ group on campus. We’re just a bunch of people tired of Michael Bublé.”

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.

Contact Christopher Ying at  or on Twitter

LAST UPDATED

NOVEMBER 17, 2022