1. denial
I wake up to a world that continues on
without me
without us
I never wish to wake again if you are not within my reach
thousands of contemporary prayers whispered and embedded into my thoughts
you plague my vision, my memory
I am all I have left of you
I will get too emotional at Thanksgiving
and swear nothing’s on my mind
that I’m not running away from anything
a heavy hiccup escaping the lips you once knew
no mom, I don’t need to lie down
I want you to come and get me
I hope the rain brings me to you
I hope where you once found solace in the gentle patter against the earth is now a place of longing
when all has been washed and faded away
you are left only with the unrelenting scent of my forsaken love
2. anger
indiscernible screams and a desperate gasp in between
I choke on the air that once held your existence
and claw at the skin that memorized your fingerprints
I look in the mirror and tear apart the person that wasn’t enough for you, that wasn’t ever enough for anyone
indents from my nails and a twisted face I don’t recognize
singed fingertips, a lingering smoke
sparks from a flame you chose to smother
a name now so similar to mine — reduced to ashes
I tell myself it didn’t count
because how could you mourn something that barely even was
but we both know that’s not how it works
so I miss you and miss you with all of the universe
for even though we are still under the same sky
the stars have deemed you untouchable
3. bargaining
I fell in love when I met you, or at least I think I did
either I was numb for the ones before or desire had no effect on the outcome
depravity or hopelessness
I can’t tell which is worse
I had once wrapped up my affection for you
big bow, open arms
but it has been sitting in the corner for so long the nectar has leaked out the sides
I do not know what to do with it
and so I will sit in this rotting pool
tell me we are salvageable
that I am salvageable
that I am not absolutely devastated beyond repair
please occupy the space underneath me and let me show you the parts that make me whole
I’ll let you meld together my wires, make me something worthy of devotion
just please leave my heart be
I fear I am made up entirely of a nowhere love
look
I store happiness in my shoulders
and content down my spine
this is where you are—heartache
4. depression
I started talking to the moon
I tell her about you
and grow jealous that it is no longer I who watches you sleep
she tells me you seem well
she refuses to answer
when I ask if you have been thinking about me
I am scouring the world in search of a place that doesn’t remind me of you
I fear I will always be stuck with your presence
destined for a life you left behind
where I will wear your memory like a big old coat
one that I bring out on my coldest days
when the wind leaves me hollow and raw
and all I have is a broken zipper
how ironic
we are both things that you have shed
I sleep because it is either I meet you in my dreams
or I wake to another day closer to forgetting you
I can feel my heart weeping in every inch of my being
it burns as fervently as it had loved
darling, i am so tired
won’t you let me rest just this once, just for a little while?
the love that is all I know
still remains so unfamiliar to me
I have longed for you longer than I’ve known you
5. acceptance
a bar cart and a case of vinyls
at least two vases and an abundance of cutlery for my friends
there will come a day where I decorate a place of love, a home of my own outside of your arms
from sunday mornings to friday nights and midday midweek naps
over and over again I will forgive myself in the way that you couldn’t
it is not my fault that I love so intensely
there is a new sparkle in my eyes
don’t you wish it was for you?
