UC Berkeley answered the calls for more student housing by unveiling the newest dorm on the block. Named The Bear Den, this brand-spankin’-new building seeks to meet a drastically unmet need among students: smaller dorms with higher prices.
Thought Blackwell was a lot for $15,385? Students are now raving over the $20,000 price tag on this new dorm, and that’s the price for a triple! Want to live in a single the size of a broom closet? Better have $24,000. With these “competitive prices,” campus is sure to prevent falling behind on the rising housing market rates in Berkeley.
“Finally, this is what we’ve been waiting for,” said campus sophomore Hasal Otofcash. “I mean, the way things were going I thought we were going to have to pay less for more! Now, we can rest assured that we’ll be paying the most for the least.”
But what’s taking up so much space in the new building that would’ve gone toward rooms? Well, The Bear Den will boast a larger-than-life pantry filled with rare delicacies like Doritos and La Croix. It will also have a fully stocked game room with delights like not one, not two, but five ping-pong tables and three foosball tables.
The building will also distract you from the $20,000 price point with keyless access. Gone are the days of using physical keys or actual key fobs. Now, you can just scan an app on your phone and voila, you’re in! Neato, huh? It took this reporter seven tries to scan the app, but hey, it’s so modern and sleek that who even cares?
“When I came in as an in-state student, I thought I would never be able to pay more for housing than my literal education,” said campus junior Scrooge McDuck. “But now, I can rest easy at night knowing that my money is going toward something that will really matter.”
However, out-of-state students on campus are protesting the price of these dorms for being too cheap, as they come nowhere near the price of out-of-state tuition. For campus freshman Bigmon Eypile from New York, these prices are “unjust” and do not treat out-of-state students fairly.
In response, campus spokesperson Bruce Wayne said campus plans on building a separate housing unit for out-of-state students, which will charge $70,000 and only have triples.
“My only qualm is that The Bear Den is so close to campus,” McDuck said. “Is there any way they can make it farther? I want to walk 30 minutes to get to class like my friends who are renting apartments do.”
This article has been written for purely satirical purposes.