It’s every college student’s favorite holiday, a day when day drinking and partying aren’t looked down upon. And no, I’m not talking about Big Game or Cal Day; I’m talking about St. Patrick’s Day! I mean, what other day can we all represent obnoxiously stereotypical Irish regalia and show off how awful we all truly look in green?

Now, I’ll have you know I am 14% Irish — gold and Guinness run through these veins. To commemorate the day of my people, here are the top five things I will be doing this St. Patrick’s Day that’ll make my Irish ancestors proud.

Pinching everyone not wearing green while also having nothing green on.

My ancestors would be proud of me for acting like an absolute fiend without actually embarrassing myself on St. Patrick’s Day. So, that is exactly what I plan to do without any remorse. I got acrylics on, so you all better watch out. (P.S. I’m exempt from pinches because I’m part Irish. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.)

Drinking pints of beer without throwing up.

I absolutely despise beer, but for my ancestors, I will do anything. My goal this year is to make them proud, and if that means downing the nastiest thing I can think of without feeling the need to throw up — I’ll do it.

Pretend to care about soccer for the day.

Is it even soccer season? I don’t know, but I will know on March 17. Mark my words, I will be rooting for the Dublin team. Does Dublin have a team? I guess we’ll see.

Lying about being related to any and every Irish celebrity I know.

Niall Horan? Yeah, he’s my third cousin. Liam Neeson? I literally saw him at the family reunion. Saoirse Ronan and I grew up together — our moms would hang out all the time. I’m not lying.

Eating the food of my ancestors and actually enjoying it.

I’m a good (part) Irish person. I actually enjoy potatoes, boiled cabbage and corn-beef hash. Now, I’ll enjoy it even more on St. Patrick’s Day. This holiday gives me an excuse to eat the meals of my ancestors without judgment, and I’m honestly very grateful for that.

St. Patrick’s Day has always been a vastly commercialized, American holiday. I’m here to change that by doing this vital thing I know will make my Irish ancestors proud, and I will do so with pride as well. Alas, Happy St. Patrick’s Day to my fellow Irish brothers and sisters. 

This is a satirical article written purely for entertainment purposes.