Boni Mata

I never expected that a one-night stand with my professor would turn into something so spectacular. “Our bodies were made for each other,” he’d tell me.

Maybe it’s the teenage girl in me talking, but there’s something about the surge in vampire films that has given blood sucking and hunting a renewed social capital in the depraved sex lives of our generation of perverts.

Amidst all of this freedom — all of this talk surrounding the reclamation of female bodies and the reconfiguration of lives separate from biological need — comes a dangerous rhetoric about responsibility and accountability when it comes to unwanted pregnancy.

Sex is one of those things that no matter how much of it you’re having, you could always be having more.

I used to think that all that was missing in the dating game was some old fashioned chivalry. If only the cyber pornoscape hadn’t polluted the minds of millennials into thinking that people want to be treated like hoes and tricks.

Sugar babies everywhere were boasting lavish vacations, a life free of debt, Fendi bags — even chinchilla fur! Needless to say, I let my fear of missing out get the better of me and signed my ass up.

I spent a large portion of my youth with a pretty severe penis envy: I was obsessed with the idea that having a dick would make life so much easier, not to mention way more fun. I wanted to piss on shit with no regard for authority, to whip out my wang in the middle of a middle-school assembly like the psychotic kids I looked up to — I wanted to brag about my big balls in the locker room and woo the ladies with low-resolution dick pics from my Motorola RAZR.

This one goes out to all of those female-bodied individuals up in the club — or the classroom; it’s whatever. You may or may not own a vagina if you’re reading this right now, but chances are, you probably appreciate the mighty power of the pussy.

Call me crazy, but I was raised to think sex should be a fun and positive experience for everyone involved.

“Stick it in my butt.” That was the first time someone asked me to even acknowledge his asshole during sex, let alone stick my finger where the sun doesn’t shine.