Escaping white validation
Cal in Color
Though I have been able to leave behind much of my need for white validation, my discomfort with the feeling of never fully fitting in remains.
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What’s up, teacher?
Cal in Color
On the first day of class, my professor explained that he’s done drugs and has had multiple wives, and ergo, should be deemed “cool and hip” in our eyes.
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Model minority myth
Cal in Color
The label of being the “model minority” — one that I rarely find any Asian American actually taking pride in — is more discriminatory than it is flattering.
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From coffee beans to caramel
Cal in Color
English, to me, felt trendy, international. It slipped out of my mouth as smooth as caramel. Chinese was awkward, bulky, mundane, like chewing coffee beans.
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The weight of being skinny
Cal in Color
We were too young then to realize how abnormal this was — how unreasonable it is to expect a barely chubby child to stay below a certain weight for looks
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Lucky to be here
Cal in Color
And while my mother comforted me, she would often whisper, “Don’t be sad. We are so lucky to have gotten to move to America.”
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Anxiety, depression and all
Cal in Color
I wondered how the call with my parents, who quietly offer more support than I could ask for, caused more stress than calls from UHS and friends combined.
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Embodying my honey and silk
Cal in Color
I quickly grew to resent my Chinese side. I hated my monolid eyes, my parents’ accented words, my mother’s ethnic dishes and anything else in between.
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On being an unlikely Leo
Cal in Color
From a young age, I was afraid of being expressive and taking up space. I learned to make myself smaller and quieter so white people would feel comfortable.
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I am my Brownness
Cal in Color
Obviously, I knew that I was Brown. But in their attempts to make me feel included, my Ukrainian family made me feel even more othered.
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