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Life in the Matrix

Gah. Why won’t you work anymore? You wondrous pieces of machinery. Your veins shoot electricity, and your nerves are made of platinum. You ask me to push the green button, I push. I’ll push five more times if you need me to. You promised at least a year of smooth
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A lesson in lady-pleasing

Sex on Tuesday

Dear dude population: When it comes to going down south, please get it right. I’m not kidding. Not only are we still dealing with too many of you thinking that you’re totally entitled to your beloved BJs yet don’t have to oblige us, but even when you do, it’s often
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Robert Reich’s ‘poverty’ of truth

Given Insight

Every Friday at noon, a swarm of students descend upon Wheeler Hall abuzz with excitement. Though they represent an array of majors, one would hardly guess so by the singular topic of their conversations. That’s because these students have temporarily put their test tubes and problem sets aside to enroll
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‘Can you hear me now?’

Man Under Bridge

I’m new to the smartphone game. Every day I feel like I learn something new. A better app for this, a better way to store that. The way my phone has the capability to do so much in such a little frame, the way it documents and organizes my life
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Stars and sensible advice

Champagne Problems

Sometimes, when I’m feeling rich and getting sick of cutting my own hair, I go to the hairdresser. In order to avoid the awkwardness that naturally results from the experience of a total stranger touching your head while you stare back at them from the mirror, I flick through the
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Jon and Kate Plus 8 (phones)

Life in the Matrix

To the producers of TLC’s Hoarders: Here’s a season finale for ya. According to the multibillion, multinational networking firm from the south side of the Bay, Cisco Systems, this year mobile devices will actually outnumber those who consider mobiles’ prices. There will be more number-padded, data-drinking fully charged smartphones and
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No thanks, I’m coughing

Sex on Tuesday

Yuck, I’m sick. Actually, I’ve now been sick for almost two weeks, and it’s only slowly going away — despite all the DayQuil and codeine syrup. This episode is so gross. There’s the congestion; the sniffly, runny nose; the incessant coughing fits; the headache from the coughing fits; the phlegm in
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The sweet science of snap

Man Under Bridge

Words have failed us. The up and down head nod has gone the way of the dinosaur and applause is something reserved only for the State of the Union or the final lecture of the semester. In their place: the snap. No, these snappers aren’t keeping time. They aren’t snapping
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Strong coffee & bad poems

Champagne Problems

Please sir, can I have some more?” Oliver Twist was just a small, blonde, English orphan with an empty metal bowl and a big dream. He ran out of gruel. He wanted more. So do I, and so, I postulate, do you. Allow me to explain. Is it Thursday already?
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A little birdie told me …

Life in the Matrix

@DailyCalReaders: I wish I could keep this to just one sentence. #ThingsWomenWant. Last week I offered my downloadable service as a shaman for your digital adventures. Thank you for supporting @TonyJesus. Your free trial has 10 columns left. At the end, you will be asked to complete a customer satisfaction
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