Checking out of Hotel California

Champagne Problems

“You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave,” the Eagles said. Whenever I stay at a hotel, even for a night or two, I get a funny feeling just before I leave that I have forgotten something. I check all the drawers, even though I know
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The other side of the coin

Champagne Problems

“They fuck you up, your mum and dad. / They may not mean to, but they do. / They fill you with the faults they had / And add some extra, just for you.” So says renowned English poet Philip Larkin in his poem “This Be The Verse.” When my
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Grass is always greener

Champagne Problems

This Saturday is March 17, known worldwide as St. Patrick’s Day, or “the day when you can start drinking before noon and still retain some level of social acceptance” in Ireland. My liver is cowering in fear and I’m getting just a little bit homesick, especially now that it’s raining
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Casey’s Given me a headache

Champagne Problems

I got 99 (champagne) problems and Monday’s political columnist Casey Given is one. It has only recently struck me that The Daily Californian’s only political columnist possesses an ideological mindset that is far from mainstream. Rhetoric major Casey is so eloquent that, up until recently, I found myself nodding in agreement
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Running in slow motion

Champagne Problems

My mother is a doctor. On a few occasions in my life — in restaurants, on planes or on the side of the street — we have come across someone who has fallen, fainted or had some kind of accident. Concerned and curious people swarm around the injured person until
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Stars and sensible advice

Champagne Problems

Sometimes, when I’m feeling rich and getting sick of cutting my own hair, I go to the hairdresser. In order to avoid the awkwardness that naturally results from the experience of a total stranger touching your head while you stare back at them from the mirror, I flick through the
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Strong coffee & bad poems

Champagne Problems

Please sir, can I have some more?” Oliver Twist was just a small, blonde, English orphan with an empty metal bowl and a big dream. He ran out of gruel. He wanted more. So do I, and so, I postulate, do you. Allow me to explain. Is it Thursday already?
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This column is important

Champagne Problems

Many guides to writing will offer this writer’s truism: “Write what you know.” Usually, I completely disagree. The power of a writer’s imagination enables them to write good fiction based on experiences they have not lived and to give life on the page to people they have never met. Some
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Champagne problems: the hamster race

Off the Beat

If you have begun to read this column expecting to hear the tragic tale of a student’s addiction to Dom Perignon, read no further. I won’t be discussing anything near as serious a problem. I’m actually going to talk about hamsters. In this university environment of privilege and opportunity, we
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