This column got me laid

Sex on Tuesday

As UC Berkeley’s resident Edgar Allan Hoe, I have blessed this campus with enough dick debacles and anal autobiographies to last one whole glorious, gay semester. Writing this column has been quite a trip. Well, actually, multiple trips to be exact: to bedrooms, bathroom stalls and beyond. While I’m extremely
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Monoga-me?

Sex on Tuesday

Confession: I have never been in a committed relationship. I’ve also never held a boy’s hand in public or passionately made out under the twinkling twilight with someone I’ve had strong feelings for. In fact, I haven’t had strong feelings for another gay man in my life. Usually, I dupe
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Hold the mayo, please

Sex on Tuesday

“Choke on it,” he commanded in a deep guttural voice that made my dick deflate like a punctured air mattress. He was the athletic, 6-foot-something white-type that freshman me had been wet dreaming about for years. His body, chiseled to perfection, made me anxiously hard from the moment I ripped
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UC Berkeley is haunted

Sex on Tuesday

UC Berkeley, the beacon of premier public education, is currently facing its ~spookiest~ epidemic yet. No one feels safe walking home at night, students are constantly looking over their shoulders, and, hot off the heels of Halloween, everyone is on edge. I’ve come to tell you that killer clowns, who
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‘Actually, I’m not gay’

Sex on Tuesday

We would stay up all night in his room talking about whatever naive freshman woes were plaguing us. I would divulge conflicted thoughts over the girthy 26-year-old dicks I illegally sucked as an underage Golden Bear, while he would retort with confused romantic musings about the multiple women who made
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Food for thought: ass

Sex on Tuesday

After fastening an imaginary bib around my neck and equipping my trusty fork and knife within both tightly clenched hands, I was ready to dive face-first into the delicious man sprawled out before me. This tasty meal subtly slid into my DM’s by means of a “deep” Tinder convo, a
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The hunger gaymes

Sex on Tuesday

*Opens Grindr* Welcome to the 69th annual Hunger Gaymes! Here you will face many unsolicited dick pics, masc 4 masc fuccbois and blatant racists along your online dating journey. But should you prevail, you just MIGHT find love (or settle for a mediocre hookup, honestly). May the nudes be ever
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Because the internut

Sex on Tuesday

The first time I saw anyone vaguely like me on a screen was during a covert PornHub tirade at age 10. I found myself digitally trapped within the confines of a grimy prison shower, sandwiched between the thick dicks of two tattooed prison guards. Again, peering through a bulky monitor
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Achievement unlocked: bottoming

Sex on Tuesday

Out of pure desperation, I bit his pillow, already littered with imprints of my despair, begging for some form of relief. I hoped that by inflicting any miniscule amount of pain on this inanimate object of comfort, I could somehow escape the penetrative force threatening to consume me from behind.
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