A day in the life of a Stanford Tree

DISCLAIMER!!! This story is purely a work of fiction and satire. 7:12 A.M. The Tree rolls out of bed and proceeds to down seven shots of dry gin in order to obtain its necessary Blood Alcohol Concentration of 0.15. To the Tree, it’s all part of a balanced breakfast. Despite
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How to spot a heathen

At this present time in the United States, non-religious atheists, agnostics and other non-believers make up over 16 percent of the population, according to Pew Research Center data. This is to say that currently in America, the fourth largest religious tradition is not to adhere to any religious beliefs at
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Greenlighting the blacklist

Satire

Thanksgiving is upon us once again, and indeed that fact alone is something to be thankful for. I certainly do not have to remind anyone of the gastronomical considerations — but because the holiday is centered on the enjoyment of the mass consumption of delicious food, our first reaction is
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Occupy Cal: preoccupied with nonsense

Satire/Given Insight

The day started out just as any other day — breakfast, a quick glance at my readings and one final scan of my organizer — but the choppers I could hear thudding overhead told me this day would be anything but normal. Sure enough, on that Wednesday morning of Nov.
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End student brutality — a call to disarm

Satire

Stop the violence. It is time once and for all to put an end to student brutality on the campus of UC Berkeley. In the wake of violent student action against UCPD and Alameda County Sheriff’s Office deputies last Wednesday, we are once again reminded of the dangerous menace the
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They came for frozen treasure

Hello, beautiful Berkeley. Because of the swell of interest in my recent column promoting the bulk dispersal of our overachieving genes, I thought it would be a good idea to help get the balls rolling, as they say. I initiated the process and have done some of the work (but
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The Berkeley family jewels

Anyone who has read much of this column is no stranger to the constructive personal mantras I try to promote each week, including so far, self realization, personal enlightenment and, of course, beauty tips. But today I want to expand from a personal focus to include our whole community —
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Who didn’t start the riot

I managed to track down León Ritz-Barr, who has been occupying Oakland for the last couple of weeks. At least that is what he claims — I was unsure because he does not appear to be a delinquent, homeless anarchist — the type I have been led to believe the movement is
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Cuckoo birds can fly?

Satire

Believe it or not, despite our economy’s generally decrepit health, some business sectors are doing well. Gold mining is thriving, and of course the banking and financial sector remains strong. Big banks have performed especially well, raking in record profits since the TARP intervention in 2008. And that is pleasing,
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Cashing in on free speech

Americans have a lot to be proud of as we forge ahead in the 21st century. We owe it to ourselves to try to ignore the economy and our future job prospects for a moment and appreciate some of the good that has been nurtured here: our stunning national parks,
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